How to Deal
by Peaches20x3
Summary: There are moments in the life of everyone, in which the earth stops turning for a brief time.


This is about a true story that happened to the family of my parents friends right before Christmas two years ago. It made me wonder how a family deals with the death of a young family member and how it goes on for the whole life.

Sorry for using the name Liam, I know it's not japanese, but I couldn't come up with a better name when I first started writing the story and now I am too lazy to correct it.

I hope you can relate.

I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh!

**How to deal**

Funny, she thought as the wheels of her car passed the asphalt street underneath in a rush.

Funny how things sometimes turn out.

It was only yesterday when they sat at the dining table on a quiet Sunday afternoon, downstairs of the snow white's house. Her whole family gathered there in the light of three candles, eating cake and telling stories. They asked her how life was going in the city where she had moved last summer to attend a ballet academy. Later that day she would return, a two hour train ride which she almost missed.

It wouldn't have mattered though if she missed it, because now she sat in her car, music loud, on a Monday morning heading home again after she received a call from her mother.

She couldn't quite understand yet, the world was like a mirror. „Anzu" her mother's hysteric voice when she called lingered in the young girls ears, „Anzu" her mother had repeated with a heavy sigh, underlining her shaken voice, „you have to come home. Something terrible happened." By then, fear creeped into Anzu's stomach, her head felt dizzy and she thought of names and places in Domino, of the snow white's house. What happened? Did someone die? A friend? Her grandmother? It all came rushing to her in just one second and then, her mother seemed to have already spoken it out loud. „Liam is dead. He crashed his car".

Words failed, and again images came to her mind instead. How they sat at the dining table, Christmas lights glistening, it seemed to be the only time she wasn't fighting with her little brother and she remembered her grandmother saying how beautiful and harmonious it was, this peace.

Later her grandmother would tell Anzu, that in the morning of Liam's death, he woke up all of his own and left home early for school with squeaking wheels, his trademark since he turned 18 in October and got his brand new car. Normally, someone would go and wake him up, but not this morning.

It was as if he was determined his whole life to die on this day, on this Monday morning after he had had a wonderful time with his family. He was long gone from the very first day he was born to the day he opened his eyes and got out, alone, to never come back.

They told her they'd get her, by car or by train, but she refused. She wanted to be alone. She needed to be alone. So she got her things ready and took the keys and everyone in her host family kept saying that her neighbours could get her , she didn't have to be alone, but eventually they called her mum, told her it was okay if she drove on her own, she was calm.

It seemed as if everything inside Anzu just turned off, she felt dark inside. She just stared straight at the street, the grey asphalt spreading wide in front of her blue eyes. She didn't shed a tear and made sure to hang up on her mother quickly, to get home as soon as possible. She was needed now. And she needed them to help her proceed the information that her little brother whom she knew all her life, had just died.

Pale hands gripped the steering wheel harder, the speed was average, she shifted gear and flashed the signal to turn right.

As the snow white's house came into view, her blood pulsated in her veins. What would she say or do once she got home? What would she find there? Suddenly she felt so offhand.

This was the place she grew up, the green garden in the back of the house with a wooden balcony above the patio and a little pond next to the strawberry field. The oak tree that stood in the front of the house which was too big to be climbed on. The stable to the left with the horses and cows, black and white, brown spotted. Her mum and dad owned the little farm. Her grandmother usually fed the cats and got the milk and eggs from the biddies, Liam was allowed to drive the tractor under survey of their father. Everyone in the family helped on the farm, until Anzu finished school and moved near Tokyo to attend a ballet academy there to study dance. Her family always supported her.

In addition to the farm, her father also owned a little company which produced food for animals, cats and dogs for example. Anzu always helped him with the accounting since she has always been good at Math. After she left, her father employed a young man which Anzu had only seen once or twice, and only from far. She didn't visit often or for long, only this time, she knew, she would stay longer.

She drove into the gateway after noon, below the oak tree. As expected, the farm seemed empty, a heavy atmosphere lingering over it. Her legs felt weak when she got out of the car and walked toward the front door. A black kitten crossed her way and she bend down to touch the soft fur. The cat began to purr.

During this, Anzu thought of words to say, of how to act, how to approach her family. Just then the front door opened and her grandmother stumbled down the stairs with open arms. „Anzu!" she cried and wrapped her tiny arms around her granddaughter. Anzu stiffened at first when she felt her cardigan being soaked with tears. She patted her grandmothers back as she began shaking violently.

Over her shoulder Anzu could see her mother leaning against the door for support, her father stood next to her by the window. His head was bowed down, all their faces were pale and tear streaked, eyes puffy.

Grandmother took Anzu's hand and led her into the warm house. It was different from yesterday, no candles were blowing, the lights were switched off and it didn't smell like cake and cookies. Again, arms surrounded Anzu, deep breaths were exhaled. „We're glad to have you here" her mother whispered, then she cupped Anzu's face and looked her in the eyes. More tears were falling and now it was Anzu's turn to cry along with them.

„They couldn't save him. He broke his neck." Her mother explained as if anyone asked her. Grandmother's cry was filled with pain then. „Two policemen came along with the priest. It was terrible that they were the ones to deliver such bad news."

Anzu wiggled herself out of her mothers embrace to wipe her face. It felt so unreal. It couldn't have happened. This was a joke.

Suddenly she felt so cold and alone as she looked in her parent's faces. They were empty, wishing for her to know what to do. No one in this house really seemed to know what the next step would be. She took a deep breath as she studied them further. So broken and tear streaked, where would they go from here?

xxx

They sat in silence, on an empty stomach, but no one really cared to cook dinner. They didn't crave for food. Anzu sat by the window, staring at the streets which weren't even sleek since it didn't snow for almost a week. Her grandmother still wailed about her grandson while her parents sat emotionless. Every once in a while Anzu would glance over to them, they looked as if asleep but the choking in their lungs gave them away.

Outside some neighbours gathered to feed the animals. It was nice of them to help but they didn't dare to glance at the house. Anzu could understand them, they were just as shocked. Some of them had little children, so they were often mad with Liam because he never considered to drive slower and with less squeaking through the neighbourhood. It made them worry he might hurt them one day. But he only hurt himself.

Eventually she got up from the couch, when the doorbell rang. It was Mrs. Miller who had a son in Liams age. Her mother went to answer the door and Anzu took the opportunity to disappear through the back door. It was cold outside and she wrapped her scarf around her face.

The stable of the horses was dark and the door still clamped like last summer. She told her father a thousand times to oil it, well, there was no possibility he would do that now.

Her quiet steps filled the stable, the horses were calm. Sometimes Anzu wondered if animals knew when something was wrong. That was the reason why she was here now. She needed comfort and warmth, normality. She opened the door to Prince, a white horse with muscles and a wild mane. She wrapped her arms around his slick neck and buried her face in his shoulder. He gave out a snort at her touch. Suddenly she heard footsteps approach her and she turned around to be surprised by a young man with tan skin, holding a bundle of hay.

„Hello." he greeted her with a voice so deep that it send spills down her spine.

„Hey" she whispered back, her voice was hoarse from not making a sound the whole day. She let go of the horse to step aside so the young man could feed Prince. As Anzu watched him she felt a little ashamed of hiding here in the stable and cry into a horse. But then again, she felt too tired to really care. She glanced back at the house where she noticed the light in the kitchen was switched on. Her heart sunk deeper at the thought of who was in there. And who wasn't and wouldn't ever be.

„Are you the daughter of the Mazakis?" that deep voice that spoke again made her turn her attention back on him. She nodded „yes." Again, her voice was nothing but a whisper and eyes focused on the house immediately right after she finished speaking. It was like a magnet, but she didn't want to go there. She moved her feet closer to one another and felt a little bit smaller than before, and more steady.

„I-I'm sorry." the man said to her quietly. Anzu didn't react. She wondered how it would be, to hear those words again and again from all the people she met on the streets, going on for months and years. The same story for her whole life. 'My brother died.' 'My brother died when he was 18.' 'My brother died when I was 20.' She wasn't ready to speak these words out loud yet, but someday she would tell them to her children, or her future husband. She was sure she didn't want to hear the words from strangers. But as he said them, those pain-filled words she knew he truly meant it but there were no words for her to answer him.

„Me too."

xxx

It turned out that Mrs Miller cooked dinner for the whole family, but appetite was still missing. It also turned out that the young man Anzu met in the stable worked for her father in the office and helped with the animals. His name was Atem and he disappeared before dinner.

Than night Anzu went to bed early and fell fast asleep, much to her surprise. Who knew, maybe she would wake up the next morning and everything was just a dream. A misunderstanding. Liam would return in the morning after spending the night with his friends drinking. He was like that.

Before Anzu could even open her eyes, the words already proceeded in her mind where they wre hidden the whole night only to struck her in the morning.

Liam is dead.

Death, what did that even mean? Was it some place? Or eternity, heaven? Or was it just nothing?

Immediately, tears fell down, her face was hot, her head hurt.

Liam is dead.

Dead.

Her legs were just as heavy as the numb feeling inside her soul. It made her feel like a hundred year old.

It really happened. To her. To him. To everyone.

Things like that happened everyday, she just never payed attention to it. Well, she would now.

She went over to her suitcase and unzipped it, then grabbed her laptop and logged into facebook.

There was only one name to search for. There it was, just a click and the picture of the brand new car posted on his birthday appeared on the screen. He had been so proud and happy. Scrolling down, someone had written :"Don't kill yourself out there bro", October 24th, 4pm.

It was a forecast.

Clicking and scrolling again, she read the texts from his friends.

„Liam, we'll miss u. We can't believe ur gone." Further, „Why did this happen? I don't understand. I'll never 4get u."

„Liam, u'll be forever in our hearts."

Shutting her laptop again, Anzu went into the bathroom. Everything was Liam. His hairbrush, his toothpaste, his shaving foam he didn't really need for his young age.

If someone had ask her a few days ago, if she loved her brother, she would have said „No, he is a pain in my neck." So why did she feel so numb now? It wasn't right, she insulted him so many times, cursed him and yelled at him. But he has been her brother after all.

It's easier to love people who are dead, because they can't hurt you anymore.

xxx

There was a picture in the newspaper which was spread on the kitchen table. It was his car, crashed.

The headline: Tragic accident: School boy dies.

She didn't read the article, what could they have written, anyway?

He was known for his fast driving, even grandmother has warned him so often to push too hard. But he was young and wild and free. He would be forever.

Anzu drank some tea, but she couldn't even swallow half of the cup. Tears welled up in her eyes again and she sank to the floor. Burying her face and pulling her knees as close to her chest as possible, she took a deep breath to calm her nerves. In and out.

„Are you alright?" There it was again. The voice that could not be missed. Even though she only heard it for the third time now. Quickly she stood and faced him who stood in the door to the hall. He smelt like stray and fir tree.

Anzu knew she couldn't say yes to that answer. How could he even ask it? She wanted to be alone, but she didn't know where to go.

Instead of replying, she just retreated. In the hallway she could hear voices, a woman was talking, her voice sounded unfamiliar. Then she heard her mother sobs, even the soundless drops of her father's tears.

"They talk about the funeral." Atem explained.

_Funeral._

Anzu shut her eyes tight. In and out. Breathe.

She made it to the door just until her throat constricted and the tears burst along with heavy sobs.

Why did she feel so hopeless?

She stumbled down the stairs and didn't know where she was going until she sank down on the stray, next to the small kitten who were born in June of last year. They didn't seem to be grown much. Thinking about it, Anzu thought of all the things that would change now.

She lost her identity.

She would always be the girl whose brother died.

xxx

The day passed in a blur. In their state of shock, no one really cared to eat or watch TV or do anything. Christmas presents arrived in the morning, new ballet shoes for Anzu and a new jeans for Liam, because his were worn out so easily. But instead of wrapping them or hiding them, they were just stored under the staircase and remained there without being looked at one more time.

The daze feeling overtook everything. Silence filled the once lively house.

Eventually Atem along with Anzu and her father would sit in the car and drove off to the place where the accident happened. Thousand little lights could be seen from when they were still far away. Candles and flowers and little play tractors gathered there. On a piece of a cardbord box a message was written: "For Liam, who had still so much power left."

It was the same sentence as in the death notice in the newspaper.

Anzu stood close next to Atem, watching the flames wiggle in the winter breeze. Even though she was wrapped up in warm clothes she was still cold. Her father bent down crying, eyeing the candles closely, reading the small messages which were tugged to the flowers.

Without realizing it, Anzu leaned against Atem who tried his best to steady her without hugging her, because he knew she didn't want that now.

He still remembered offering to take her home from Tokyo to Domino and how she refused, said she'd make it on her own. It was surprising to him how strong she was and how she managed to work things out for herself.

Family members gathered in the house to spend comfort and cook. Anzu talked to her cousins which were about the same age as she and Liam were.

But most of the time they sat in silence.

The next day she woke up early, still feeling numb and sad. She didn't really know what to make with herself or her family. Her grandmother was a wreck, her father pretty much tried to hide it, but he was suffering just as much. It was Wednesday , today Liam's friends would come, also friends of the family. Her mother was glad for all the support, the woman from yesterday whose voice Anzu didn't know, was also there. She was funeral director, Anzu previously learned.

So it was evening and about twenty people sat together in the living room, photos spread out on the coffee table of Liam and her as children.

His friends sat at the dining table with empty papers before them. They were about to paint pictures for the coffin, but they didn't know of what to think. Some of them were only 16 years old, teenagers with tears in their eyes who had written wonderful texts about Liam on Facebook.

It was great comfort, all of them being there to share memories.

Anzu sat next to Atem, who was also invited since he was a close friend of the family and of Liam, too. It seemed as if he was the big brother Liam always dreamed of having instead of a sister who annoyed him most times. The thought brought tears to Anzu's eyes. But she wouldn't cry now.

She was strong and she felt so comforted with the candle light and the stories they told about Liam.

Stories she had missed in the six months she wasn't always here.

By now it had gotten sticky in the living room, the boys finally decided what to paint, tractors were Liam's favourite.

Anzu stepped out into the fresh night air. Stars were blinking above her head. She wondered if her brother was up there. Grandmother cried the whole evening. It tore Anzu's heart apart with each sob and each tear.

Three days of sadness. It was the 19th December. Christmas was soon. She was looking forward to it until Liams death. But how could they celebrate now? How much days of grief were there to come?

For a moment there under the sky of stars and the numb feeling overtook and she felt like praying.

Her other grandmother told her that it was best this way. Liam had to die in order to prevent other's getting hurt by him. But Anzu didn't believe this theory.

No one knew why bad things happen.

After a while she stepped into the warm hallway again and took off her shoes. "Would you like some tea? I'm just making some." Atem offered as he poked his head through the door.

Anzu shook her head and went inside to stand in the middle of the kitchen. She was sure the light in there gave away the shadows under her eyes and the glassiness in them. She felt Atem watching her just like the time in the stable. She bowed her head to conceal her eyes.

"It's difficult, huh?"

She nodded as tears again threatened to fall from her eyes. She wrapped an arm around herself wishing she could just run, but her legs wouldn't move. Right there in the centre, how could she walk to him in the spotlight?

Just when a sob escaped her lips, had he wrapped his strong arms around her, holding her there so she would not break into pieces.

xxx

Mai didn't even knock, just came crashing in and flopped down on Anzu's bed.

"Don't you go out anymore?" she asked as if nothing ever happened.

Anzu turned around form her desk to face her friend and answered in a bitter tone. "I don't feel like it."

Understanding that her brunette haired friend is not just suffering from some cheap break up, but from the loss of a family member, the blonde got more serious.

"I'm really sorry Anzu. We all are." Mai said in a soft tone.

Anzu nodded. "I know. It's just..." she took a deep breath. "Why is this happening? My family suffers so much. I don't get it." tears fell down now and Mai stood from the bed approaching her crying friend. Looking into her eyes, she said: "I don't know why these things happen. Just..We are here for you." Offering her open arms, Anzu gladly accepted them.

xxx

Paintings and letters have been fixed to the coffin. Looking down on the first handful of black earth that lay upon it, they knew that this was it. No turning back.

It was the fifth day.

Many people came to say their last goodbyes, friends from school, working colleagues, neighbours, acquaintances. When the coffin was let down into the hole in the ground, everything seemed to settled, so sure that it was really scary. Tractors stood aside to the graveyard, one last exhalation as a symbol that Liam's life was over.

Anzu and her parents stood at the grave for a moment longer, after everyone threw a rose into the grave, some prayers were whispered and the coffin bearer sealed their destiny by covering the hole up with earth, like a blanket. It looked beautiful and tragic at the same time.

As the people passed them, the world suddenly seemed so empty. Before, they shared tears and words of comfort, but now they would go home and go on with their lives, but for the Mazaki's it would always be like this. The family who lost their son. Their hearts would beat irregular forever. Erratic on every day that passed and snatchy on every thought of Liam that crossed their mind.

xxx

Sitting together in the afternoon with family members, drinking coffee and tea, they talked once more about all the good memories of Liam and the songs they sung in the church while watching the coffin laying still on the altar.

But when Anzu stood later in the hallway of the snow white's house and saw the presents lay there pressed up in the corner, she felt numb once again. Christmas was in two days, and she just didn't feel like it.

She didn't feel like going up to her room either. She felt sick, hot and cold at the same time. She did the same as what she did a few days ago, heading to the stable.

She thought of riding Prince, which she didn't since she moved out in summer. She wondered if she would go back ever again or if she would move in circles from now on.

First her parents lost her, now her brother, too.

As a wave of shock and sadness threatened to overwhelm her again, she grabbed the cleaning utensils stored in a red box and began rubbing Prince's white skin. He let out a snort in response, indicating for her to go on. With all the other animals on the farm, no one really ever cared much about the white horse than she did right now.

It was then that she heard Atem approaching her again. But this time, he didn't say anything, barely even looked at her. She swallowed hard as he walked by, careful to appear as if she were okay.

But when he was gone through the door which led out, tears fell down her face and her mind screamed: She will never be the same.

Later that evening when she went downstairs from a shower, she saw Atem standing in the hall with a suitcase next to him.

"Where're you going?" she had asked in a quiet voice and he had turned his head to her, his mouth a thin line, his eyes warm, "I'm going home."

Maybe this was what she had to learn in the progress of growing up-

That she had nothing to hold on to.

xxx

On Christmas day, Anzu didn't even feel like going out of bed. Yesterday Atem left the house, after he had stayed the whole time to help out on the farm, to accompany the family in their grief, he just left. Now Anzu found that she missed him. He was the one thing in her life that made her feel better, the only one who wasn't broken. She didn't notice it before, but he held her together, prevented her from falling apart by just letting her cry. It might sound wrong, but he made her cry. When she was with her family she felt like she didn't have the right to cry since she wasn't in such a good relationship with her brother but then again it didn't matter, he was her brother after all and seeing her parents, her grandmother like that broke her. Atem saw her pain, knew how she fought with herself over the events. Now he was gone and she rather stayed in bed than being greeted by an empty house. Her parents slept in these last days, most of the night Anzus mother cried, her father was desperate. What would await her now if she went downstairs?

Only when she smelled cookies did she move under her blanket. At first she thought she imagined it due to her confused mind which was damaged by circulating tragic thoughts. She concentrated hard on the smell, devoured it with her nose deep inside her stomach. It became stronger. So because she wanted to see what was going on, she sneaked down the stairs, seeing her mother by the stove in the kitchen. Going further, Anzu took a deep breath before opening the door.

"Mom?" she asked with a weak voice. She hadn't dared to talk to her mother or demand anything before due to her broken state.

Her mother, dressed in a large pullover and leggins turned around, immediately Anzu noticed her puffy red eyes which had dark shadows underneath them and her swollen face. In one hand she was holding a spatula.

"I thought you'd like some cookies? Maybe?" She wasn't crying but she sounded and looked like she did all night.

Anzu nodded slowly and approached her mother who was scraping the cookies, which looked a little burned, but who could blame her, from the baking tray.

"I didn't have time to bake cookies yet" her mother explained while forcing a smile. It didn't last long but it was a try. Anzu tried, too.

"It's okay. No one expects anything this year." Anzu responded, tugging the cookies into a box with angles and bells on it.

"Are you speaking of the presents? I'm sorry about that-"

"Mom" Anzu interrupted, looking into her mother's eyes, "it's okay. We don't have to celebrate Christmas this year. I've had enough of them anyway."

They continued scraping and tugging the cookies away in silence until eventually her mother would turn the radio on, even though it was very quiet and Anzu barely understood anything. But it was a start, voices filled the house again, and it didn't matter who spoke, just that someone spoke.

xxx

On the second day on Christmas they went to visit Anzu's sister and her family. It was the first real dinner in over a week that Anzu had and she tried to enjoy it, but the next morning she would feel all sick again.

Yesterday they visited Liam's grave again and let him some cookies there. First Anzu found it absurd but after seeing her grandmother smile and hearing her humming on the way to the car, Anzu was glad they did and it felt right after all.

But now she was sitting at the dining table, with her aunt and uncle and their two sons who both got a new mobile phone and tons of chocolate, she felt misplaced. They would go to bed tonight, maybe remembering the funeral for a short moment and then fall into a blissful sleep. The numb feeling didn't last for them. Anzu has gotten her present after all, before she went to bed on Christmas eve she grabbed the box with the shoes in it and disappeared with them in her room. But once she reached her room, she just stored them under her bed and fell asleep. Today she got a Santa Claus made out of chocolate, but she doubted she would eat it before next Christmas.

She wished that things would just go back to normal.

xxx

Anzu read that there were five stages of loss and grief and if that was true then she was stuck in the first, the 'Denial and Isolation'.

Christmas days were over and she found herself sitting by the window, waiting for Atem to return.

But days passed and he didn't show up.

Then, 'Denial and Isolation' turned into 'Anger' and she feared that this had nothing to do with the loss of her brother, but with Atem. He somehow became a friend even though they never really spend much time alone together.

On the 29th of December, the first thing Anzu noticed as soon as she woke up, was that it had snowed.

The last time it snowed was before Christmas and then she hadn't cared about it. But now everything was covered in white and for the first time in a long while Anzu felt excited.

She got Prince out of his stable, tied a rope to his bridle and went with him up and down the street.

The second thing she noticed that morning was that her parents were working again, even though they were slow and still exhausted from the last two weeks.

All of a sudden, Anzu lost everything. Looking up at Prince she wanted nothing more than to bring him back into his stable so she could be alone again. It wasn't right, walking around like this when everything was still so fresh.

The memories, the pictures, she couldn't deny it. The snow covered grave. The unopened cakes and cards in the kitchen.

Sobbing while freeing Prince from the rope, who became very impatient with her, she suddenly felt a hand grab her hand, wiggling it away from the rope on which she pulled desperately in order to loosen the knot in there.

"Let me help you" Atem offered in his calm tone and he had everything under control right away while Anzu stood next to him, helplessly crying with slumped shoulders.

Once Prince stood behind the wooden door with silver bars, Anzu wiped her tears.

"Did you want to go riding?" Atem asked as he turned around to her.

Anzu shook her head, she was trembling. She lost it again. Would she ever be able to live freely again?

"Where were you?" her question came out angry, as if everything was his fault. This whole situation and the way she felt. He noticed her anger. "I was home with my family. I'm sorry."

Still wiping her tears, she responded:"Don't be. I don't even care. I don't need you or anyone-"

"Anzu" he interrupted in a stern voice, "just stop talking. You should go into the house, talk to your grandmother, she needs you and you need someone to talk about Liam".

By mentioning his name, Anzu shook her head heavier. "No" she cried, then she took a deep breath.

A second passed and she didn't know what to do, if she should just stand there, crying in front of Atem. Then he pulled her forward in his arms, stilling her again just like he did that one time in the kitchen.

After a while, when her sobs died down and her tears dried on her cheeks, and she finally like talking again, sitting there with Atem in the hay, she let a shaky breath escape her mouth as she spoke. "Do you believe that everything will be okay again someday?" Her question hung heavy in the air as she stared with a hopeless expression in the opposite direction, not facing Atem.

"I guess you want to hear that it will. But no one can tell." he paused thinking about what to say, "But what I believe is" he continued, "is that it's up to you how you deal with things. When something bad happens in your life, you can either choose to mourn about it or you can try to make the best of it. You can conquer all things." he looked at the girl next to him, whose head was bowed down by now, sensing she might start to cry again. She looked at him so suddenly so that some tears really spilled already over.

"I don't understand. Why did this have to happen? Why did I have to lose everything?" her voice broke at this and Atem knew he had to react quickly.

"You didn't lose everything. Not even close. There are things Liam didn't take with have a family that loves you and shares the grief with you. You have friends who support you." She smiled a little at him when he said that.

"You just have to brace yourself." he adviced when she stared at him curiously, waiting for more he had to offer.

"For what?"

"For what comes next."

xxx

Snow continued to fall. The news were about people dying out there on the plain streets. Now there were families who had to live through all the things that Anzu went through in the last two weeks.

Tomorrow a new year would begin. She wondered who would die then.

Her grandmother, she hoped, was none of them. Even though she was better by now, she was still crying a lot. Always remembering how she saw two policemen approaching the house, how she guessed something was wrong and she was sure when she saw the priest trotting behind. How he cried. How she screamed 'no, no, no' the whole time.

Every time Anzu heard this story, she would cry.

xxx

When the fireworks flew into the night sky to explode into blue and red sparkles, Anzu thought about Life and death.

What she had learned these days was how linked they both really were. She wondered about the baby that was born two years ago, seven days before a young man was killed in an accident with a pizza taxi. And the man down the street tuned 51 that day.

And how many babies were born all the world, right on the day when Liam passed away.

It all happened on the 17th December. Every year, people die, and others get to open their eyes for the first time.

It's all about creating place.

Anzu would probably never understand why some people got to live, to get old, and others don't. And again she thought of all making sense, how she hadn't fought with her brother on that Sunday afternoon and how he got up early the next day.

The line between life and death weren't blurred, it was smooth and thin.

For most people, death arrived fast, like a rocket. A bang and everything was suddenly gone, leaving nothing but smoke and silence.

The holidays passed and Anzu still struggled to find a way to deal with the grief of her family. She hoped to wake up someday and feel okay, feel whole and save. But every morning before consciousness crept through her body, the thought was already there: Liam is dead.

Irrevocable.

Mom didn't even care to sort out his things, his room was the same, the sheets still felt warm. The Maths book he left on the desk. Dirty laundry in the basket in the corner next to his closet.

Most of the time they spoke of him to keep the good memories, but the awareness that he was dead grew everyday. They may have overcame the shock, but the wounds would never heal.

There was one thing which kept Anzu going, which she could look forward too once she left the house. There was someone waiting for her.

She and Atem spend a lot of time these January days to scrub Prince and Atem even helped her riding the horse. She was insecure, hasn't done it in a while, but she felt free in the saddle, ridning in the snow. In the evenings he sometimes stayed longer to watch TV with her. It was nice to have him there, some normality.

And then, someday she woke up in the morning, and the first thought that struck her wasn't the awareness of Liam's death, but that she had school going on, ballet classes to attend to, a host family waiting for her. She talked to them once over the holidays, told them she was fine, trying to get by. She didn't think of going back so soon, but now it has been a month and she felt like she cried enough, mourned enough. It was time to go on.

She just didn't know how to tell her family. They needed her here, close to them. The only child they had now. But Anzu knew that she also had to go so her parents could go on. Get used to the quiet house and get used to eat with grandmother only. Get used to not walk up the stairs and wake Liam, telling him he was late for school again.

They had to learn not to rely on her, but on each other.

Before she began looking for her mother, she first went to the stable to greet Atem. She would have to leave him, too, but maybe it was best this way. She couldn't rely on him either.

He helped her getting through, and she thanked him for that, but he, too, wasn't eternal.

"I'm leaving." she didn't know she spoke the words until they were out. Immediately Atem turned around from feeding Prince with hay. "Excuse me?"

"I- I said that maybe I should go back." nervously she fumbled with the iron bars attached to Prince's door. Atem looked at her for a long time, expressionless. "Well if you think so. It's a shame. I will miss you." He said this so casually, but it made her feel warm inside.

'Really?' she wanted to ask, but kept quiet. She figured she didn't want to know. It wasn't the right time for her to be with him.

"You think my parents would be mad?" she whispered after some silence. Again, Atem looked at her. He shook his head, smiled a sad smile. "No. They wouldn't. If you feel you are ready, then go."

Anzu wasn't sure. She felt like she had to go on with her life, she couldn't stay like this any more.

Then she saw her mother through the window, exhausted she dropped the pitchfork.

Inhaling deeply, Anzu made her way out of the stable toward her mother.

Atem watched her go.

xxx

It was like he said. Sure, her parents weren't happy, but they understood their daughter. So Anzu stood under the oak tree after she dragged her suitcase down and stored it in her car.

She felt weird. So much happened since she received the life changing phone call from her mother, and at the same time nothing happened. The last few weeks were covered with fog and darkness.

She just told her grandmother goodbye who sat most of her time in her living room, knitting and sniffling.

With the given advice to take care of herself, Anzu now thought about what to do next. Probably get in the car, turn the key, hit the gas.

_Smack!_

Something hit her on her head, turning around she saw Atem standing a few feet away, two snowballs in his hands. Remaining snow from the last days.

"Ouch, that hurt" she yelled at him, but couldn't suppress a laugh. The snow ball which hit her head hard lay to her feet, still whole because it was frozen. She picket it up and threw it back at Atem, who sidestepped quickly.

Laughing, she ran after him, trying to steel some snow from his hands. She didn't realized how much they were laughing, playing around, until suddenly he stopped in his tracks and her laugh rang in her ears, filling the whole neighbourhood. Shocked, she stood where she was after her laughter died. Had her parents heard her? What would they think now? They must felt totally abounded by her. She who was young and had a life so undeserving.

Atem who noticed her sudden change from happiness to panic, was quick to cut her revolving thoughts off.

"Now you can go, Anzu. See, I made you laugh. You'll be okay." He stepped closer, taking her chin in his hand and made her looking at him. She blinked and was frozen by how close they were.

"I hope to hear from you soon" he whispered to her and she nodded quickly, mesmerized by his eyes and voice. He let go of her, smiled brightly which she returned and then got into her car.

xxx

It wasn't easy being back to school. As Anzu expected, everyone looked at her, told her how sorry they were and that they wished her the best. She realized she wasn't ready to go on with her life, she had hoped to leave the past weeks behind, but she couldn't deny any of the events. Almost everyone knew, even here, so many kilometres from host family she lived with cared greatly for her and had welcomed her back with open arms.

In the evenings she would call Mai, then her Mom. Everything was settled for the day in the moment of each day she woke up so her first thought would not be the one to remind her of her brother gone, but the way she lived did.

Anyway, it wasn't easy. Not a bit. And maybe it was two months later that she found she really missed home and Atem.

She often thought about the words he had said to her after on of her breakdown, when he found her outside with Prince and then sat with her in the hay.

"_You can either choose to mourn about it or you can try to make the best of it". _

By now, Anzu believed that some things really happened for a reason and thought again of the circumstances of Liams death. How it was all planned that he would die after they all had a very nice family dinner. It was all there from the day he was born.

The clock on her wall was ticking. So she tried to make her time mean all that it can. And that this included taking risk every once in a while.

So she stepped out of her car, like she did three months back, but this time she felt happier, less confused and afraid, seeing her grandma feed the kitties who were fat enough already.

She went to greet her, glad to see a smile spread across her red cheeks. Then she went seeing her mother and father who invited her over the spring holidays to stay home.

There was so much she could do in this life, lend a hand and be an inspiration to people.

There were so many words to say which could bring healing. She experienced it herself. From a person to which her way led her now.

Atem was in the stable, repairing the tap for Princes dew pond. The door, she noticed, didn't clamp anymore. She wondered if he, too, fixed it like everything else. Like her.

"Hello there" Anzu greeted as she walked down the narrow path fixing her eyes on the blonde spiky haired guy, ignoring the snorts the horses were making when she passed them. She was mesmerized by seeing him, having almost forgotten how good he was looking or having never noticed in the first place since she has been occupied with other stuff the whole time she had known him.

Atem turned around as soon as he voice filled his ears and he could smell her sweet perfume over everything else.

"Anzu?" For a moment he just stood there, wondering if he was dreaming but then her arms were around his neck and her head buried in his shoulder when he wrapped his arms around her waist.

"I'm so glad to see you" she told him, inhaling his intoxicating scent.

He didn't know what to say, still too surprised to have her here in his arms.

"What are you doing here? Don't you have school?" he offered as a way of his own greeting.

Anzu laughed a little. "No. My holidays started yesterday and my parents asked me to come over. And since I'm done missing out, I'm here." She took her head from his shoulder, though her arms stayed around his neck, pulling him close, their noses barely touching.

"Missing out on what?" he whispered huskily as this whole situation between them has gotten very personal.

"Life. Love. Every second of every minute. I want to be in the here and now. Just like Liam always did. He never thought about the future or what his next step was. He just drove the street ahead of him. It will kill us in the end, but it will be worth it, Because we live. And we deal with the traffic, the red lights and the bumps in the road." Her blue eyes glistened and he would have kissed her right away if she didn't continue speaking. "Nothing is ever too far." she whispered to him, indicating for him to lean in closer.

Then, she kissed him and he didn't wait long to respond.

So they had each other. Right in this moment. And that was what it was all about. Life made finally sense.

xxx

There may be things in life, which we can't understand. Moments, where everything becomes futile.

Dreams, you never forget. Words, which hurt. Songs from the heart. Places, you want to return to.

Someone to look up to. Memories which break one's heart. Feelings, you can't control. Tears, which inevitably fall. Times, which you can't let go. Some things, you could have made better. Days, you don't know what to do. Hours, in which you feel all alone. Minutes, where you realize what you're really missing. Seconds, when you are desperate.

There are moments in the life of everyone, in which the earth stops turning for a brief time.


End file.
